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girlfriend transfering college to be with me, help pay her tuition to make it happen ?
in
I've been with her for about a year and half. We've had a fantastic relationship where we both help each other, are their best friends, have fantastic time doing things together, sex is great, we have been helping us both reach our goals in life, there is definitely potential for serious long term stuff. She's in college, and will be starting Junior year after summer. I have been working for three years, am starting grad school after summer.
There was a clear winner among my choices for grad school and I'm going there with stipend!. She got there too for undergrad transfer, but has to pay quite a bit more than now, and would involve her asking support (about 5K each x 4 ->) from her divorced parents, me, and her taking loans. Her current college gives her fantastic aid, where her parents only pay about 2.5k each. Question is should she transfer or stay?
Pro:
-> Although it'll be much more expensive, calculations above suggest transferring is still affordable
-> I would have someone to live, share life with during my transition to grad school
-> She makes good food, we'll probably save some money not having to eat out often
-> She would likely be constant help and support for me during my struggles, and I for her
-> I tend to waste my time in miscellaneous things when I'm alone, being with her helps (although I will have to reform my habits if I'm to do well in grad school anyway)
-> Something tells me I will be a better student, researcher, more stable, focused, happier etc if she's with me
-> Although she's gonna try and wait for me even if we're separate, having her together will make it much more certain that I can have her long term if things work out (although as of now she seems to be more worried about losing me than the other way round)
-> She's a fantastic person, if I do lose her, I might not be able to find someone equivalent for at least quite some time (while I have many things going for me, smart, confident, with stable future, good income potential, healthy, kind etc, I am a short man and that does limit the dating pool)
-> I want to focus on research and study when at grad school, not trying to socialize, getting a date etc, so having her with me would probably be good (as compared to breaking up or constantly driving 8 hours or taking a plane etc to see each other.
-> Staying together would help us grow and suffer and struggle together which might bond us together more and help our relationship mature (although research has shown that people who live together without commitment typically do worse than those who get hitched without living together first etc)
Con:
-> It might be a waste of significant amount of money for her parents, me, herself (in loans) since her school is decent where she's at and she's decently happy (the school she's transferring to is no doubt better, more renowned, and bigger though, and she can continue her future plans there. The alternate is for her to finish college where's she's at and then try to come over for Masters)
-> If it doesnt work out once she moves and we break up etc, there might be lots of complications and resentment with me paying portion of her tuition and her living with me, partially dependent on me
-> Going separate ways might actually be a good time to try out some other potential mates and get a calibrated sense of our own relationship. Maybe we'll find we have it great together and get back again, maybe we'll find out our relationship was easily replaceable and we'll find replacements just as good or better. Either way, it might be a win. (Unless of course if one finds a better replacement and the other does not, and then it would be big suckage for that partner. As of now, I'd say we're probably at equal risk of being the person on the big suckage side of the stick although she's worried much more about this than me)
-> She's still growing up and maturing, letting her grow on her own might be better for long term peace since when I'm with her I find myself constantly making suggestions that deeply affect her thought and growth and life (although she always says that has been for the better and she's been lucky to have me to think things through). Maybe having her stay with me will make her resentful at her loss of individual self, or my projection of myself into her life, thoughts, individuality, motivations, goals.
Con arguments
My thoughts...
Submitted by count-elmo on Fri, 05/07/2010 - 06:43.
I know long distance sucks, but I really think loaning money to a significant other can make things so much more complicated, in a bad way. Money issues are the biggest reason married couples get divorced. I think even if you don't split up you may resent her and she may feel like she's obligated to stay with you or at the school if she doesn't like it because you're paying. Plus, I know people who have transferred/moved for love and many have regretted it. I would say try to stay together long distance and if it's really horrible, she has another year of college and she can transfer then.
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